PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT COVENANTS
The Problem with Marriage and Relationships.
Many people, not convinced that marriage is for them, these days opt for a convenient and undefined relationship. It may be with cohabitation or without but if there is cohabitation the law in many places tends to regard this as a common law marriage and it can become as binding as any marriage. Many others do not pursue even a relationship because they are not attracted by the inherent uncertainty of undefined relationships.
It is estimated that in Australia some $100 million per month is lost in settlements due to the failure of marriages or cohabitation relationships. In the US it is estimated that this figure is around $1.5 - 2 billion per month and world wide the figure is upwards of a staggering $10 - 15 billion per month. This constitutes the world's largest ongoing financial and social catastrophe. Nobody knows for sure on their wedding day whether their marriage will eventually end up in divorce or last till death. Marriage is a gamble. This is a monumental problem attesting to the danger of getting married even if it done so with the best of intentions and with innocent expectations. Indeed since the gains can be so high many people get married purely with the intention of gain and cleaning out their partner and marriage is the perfect vehicle for this practice. The above figures attest to the failure/danger of marriage and reckless cohabitation. An alternative is deperately called for for the prudent in order to protect assets, and provide greater honour and respect and benefits for both parties so that honour, respect and assets are not at risk and so that both parties, not just one, can be provided for.
Many people choose to
become married because it is the done thing and they don't know of
any recognized alternative. Although nearly 40 - 45% of marriages
end up in divorce that does not mean that the other 55 - 60% of
marriages are paragons of success. Probably of the other 55 - 60%
about half of those are exercises of tolerance and sufferance or
dishonesty and should break up to but never do. There are
marriages which are marriages in name only, there are loveless
marriages, marriages of convenience, fake marriages that are an
insult to the concept of marriage, lifeless devitiated and worn
out marriages past their use by date, marriages where the
disadvantaged do not know of the options available to them nor
have the courage to make a break. There are marriages where a
divorce would come at great costs, financially or to reputation
and so is avoided and the marriage a pretence.
Since marriage ends up in a mess if 40 - 45% of cases it is not a proposition you would put to someone if you respect them. If you respect them you would put a rellationship proposition to them which respects their rights and property, is safer and more fun. Given that Relationship Agreements are now available you would only put a marriage proposal to somoene if you are after their property, as is increasingly happening. Services that promote marriage exclusively are showing arguable disrespect to their clients and may in time be held accountable for negligently or recklessly not advising of the relationship agreement option resulting in loss to either or both parties .
This deficiency with marriage requiring one to rely on hope and trust and to forgive cannot be remedied except with the insertion of the Relationship Agreement which inserts enforceable rights and responsibilities and ensures respect and thus honour. Hence to be "rallied" or "perelated" is to be held in honour and respected and thus entry into an RA is an entry into an honourable estate. An honourable estate is one where one can rely on an inherent mechanism to uphold honour. Marriage lacks this mechanism and hence offers no advantage when an RA is available and for many it serves only as a means of gaining property. Consequently if you respect the other person you would have no problem with entering into a Relationship Agreement to show that your intentions are honest and pure.
If your marriage or
relationship is an honourable one it is not because of the
institution of marriage or the relationship. It is because your
partner is an honourable person and honours you. Such an
honourable person would be an ideal person for a relationship
agreement as they most likely would have no hesitation in
committing to you within the context of a binding honourable
arrangement such as a relationship agreement wherein each's rights
are respected and honoured and hence
What is needed is a means of spelling out mutual expectations and requirements, a means of securing respect and honour where both parties have equal enshrined rights and where if enforceable terms are agreed upon and spelt out they will be respected and the parties feel much happier and more at peace.
A Personal Relationship Agreement provides not only the solution but lifts any relationship to a higher level.
If 40% of marriages end up in divorce ( and another 30 % which just linger probably should) why would you choose marriage as the institution for your relationship?. Isn't it wiser to look for a safer alternative? See following article:
By Health Writer Clair Weaver January 13, 2008 12:00am Sunday Telegraph 13th January 2008:
IT'S DIVORCE SEASON - FEUDING couples have inundated divorce lawyers after a surge in relationship breakdowns over the Christmas and New Year period.
More than 10,000 Australian couples, including 3000 from NSW, are expected to start divorce proceedings this month, making it the busiest time of year for family lawyers.
About 20 per cent of all divorces are instigated in January, according to Barry Frakes, a partner with Sydney family law specialists Watts McCray Lawyers.
"If people are going through hard times in their relationships, Christmas is a time when things can become strained and arguments happen because expectations are high and things don't happen the way they want,'' Mr Frakes said.
"Therefore we see a lot of people having fights or breakdowns and coming to our doors as soon as our offices re-open.
"In a large firm like ours there are a lot of new clients booking in appointments now.''
Crisis counselling services such as Mensline have also been flooded with calls from people suffering stress and depression as a result of family breakdowns.
Statistics show New Year's Day is the single most turbulent day of the year among families, with a 157 per cent increase in domestic violence in NSW.
Australian Family Association spokeswoman Angela Conway said couples should work at trying to repair their relationships rather than start divorce proceedings in the heat of the moment.
"The Christmas and New Year period is a big danger zone and relationships difficulties and tensions do come to a head at this time of year,'' she said.
"We would certainly encourage couples to look more closely at their options because there is a growing amount of research showing that divorce rarely solves long-term problems or brings the peace and happiness that people think it will.
"It may look hopeless and it may feel terrible but it's worth sticking to your marriage and trying to make it work.''
Frakes, who is also a mediator, arbitrator and former emergency
court hotline operator over Christmas, also encouraged families to
negotiate matters out of court whenever possible.
"People are confronted when they see their own life doesn't fit that stereotype and they feel sad about what they don't have. That's when they decide to take (legal) action.''
Latest figures from the Australian Bureau of Statistics reveal there were 51,375 divorces granted in 2006, of which 14,482 were in NSW.
While the highest proportion are lodged in January, divorces usually take months to be completed, meaning they are finalised later in the year.
Couples have to be separated for 12 months and prove their marriage is irretrievably broken before they can get a divorce.
The Solution: The Relationship Agreement (RA)
A Personal Relationship Agreement is the solution to this problem. A Relationship Agreement will enhance any relationship, including marriage, and lift it to a higher level and provide a unique experience with clarified definition, direction, purpose, meaning, respect and trust. A Relationship Agreement can operate apart from or as a pillar within a marriage (as a marriage patch) and will bring a new level of respect and trust to the marriage.
It is important that any personal intimate relationship be structured, or arranged, for best results and for a better quality, more satisfying relationship. A Relationship Agreement is a manner of dedication agreement which is binding and puts the relationship on a higher plane and as it has mutually respected requirements (teeth) it will be honoured. A Relationship Agreement is designed to be entered into by either both spouses in a marriage or by two parties in place of marriage in order to provide a foundation for a relationship which is more solid and secure than any you have ever had before.
A Relationship Agreement provides a written basis for an enduring serious relationship which is all too often lacking in relationships leaving them less meaningful than they could be. A Relationship Agreement is something you can look at, treasure and add to upon renewal or reciprocation and collect a series of.
An RA can be completed
by a married husband and wife in order to add a little more needed
spice and in order and to raise the marriage to a higher
operational level and keep both parties on their best performance.
It can have the effect of tuning up a marriage and can operate
within a marriage to make the marriage more defined and
honourable. If you had a marriage where you could not put an RA
into action what sort of non-committal relationship would
An RA can be used for
a trial relationship or dating agreement or an ongoing
relationship in place of marriage. Why get married just
because it's conventional when there is a superior muc better
option? Every relationship which is meaningful, including
marriage, should have an RA as its basis to regularly spell
out its terms and commitment and so keep it on track. A marriage
or relationship without an RA is like a ship without a
Relationship Agreement is an agreement for uncertain times in the
history of relationships.
Be the FIRST amongst your friends to have a copy of the RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT !
Please take the time to study all the pages relating to the Relationship Agreement by printing off the pages on this site including the Relationship Agreement itself. Then put the relationship agreement into practice within your relationship or marriage all for free - except for the troth that passes between you. You can tell friends to visit the website and also download the Agreement and notes and benefit from them just as you will.
That means you and your friends can benefit from positioning the Relationship Agreement as a central structure into your relationships or marriage to provide an improved experience for you all - all at no cost.
However if, and only if, you find the Relationship Agreement to be greatly beneficial and worthwhile in your ongoing relationship experience we ask you to remember us so we can continue our work in providing an alternative vehicle for relationships which improves marriage for others around the globe. If you find the RA has been beneficial to you both then you may care to make a thank you gift payment to us via paypal or directly via our gift payment facility or by posting as cheque. Work out between yourselves what you think the agreement has been worth for you and decide on an amount.
The amount can be equal to the troth (the consideration that passed between you). It should however not be the troth or item of value itself as that is to stay as an item of value just between the two of you and should be held in trust pending reciprocation of the relationship agreement. Of course if you wanted to pay the troth as the gift payment this should only be done if there is no reciprocation or upon the termination of the agreement - that is up to you.
You may feel it is appropriate to make a gift payment for each relationship agreement you enter in to or upon each reciprocation in whatever amount you feel your relationship experience is worth if you wish. Of course you won 't be inclined to make a thankyou payment if the Relationship Agreement has not been beneficial to you but you have to try it to find out first. Some will find a richer experience through having structure while some will prefer no structure and no commitment. It is not for everyone but for those who have found it beneficial we invite you to refer friends to the website for them to institute the RA within their relationship and even get involved at a local level - and you should invite them to your renewal/reciprocation parties.
Of course you could pay a price of your own choosing at the time of initial download if you really wanted to but usually people will want to try it out first and make any more meaningful payment later.
If you have not already done so please send a photocopy of your Relationship Agreement to us, addressed to: David, Relationship Agreements, 8/1 Curtin Place, Concord, 2137, NSW, Australia
When you download your copy of the Relationship Agreement and gain access to the other information you are granted license to make copies of the RA for friends, suitees, partners etc providing the website and our contact details are listed on the copies.
♥♥♥ PERSONAL DATING/ RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT COVENANT WITH CONSIDERATION ♥♥♥
______________________ (the suitor or wooer) seeks a close and mutually beneficial, loving, caring and affectionate involvement and relationship with _________________________ (the suitee or wooee) and has approached the suitee seeking just that. The suitee agrees to the proposal of a mutually beneficial relationship for a period of time as detailed below and is happy and prepared to participate, consent and commit to just that. In consideration of the suitee's consent and participation for the term of the structured and planned relationship (the 21st century version of betrothal) the suitor pays to the suitee (or the reverse or a dual payment play may apply) as a consideration, or troth or honour bond or pledge of commitment payment, as a sign of his/her fidelity, esteem and intentions, the amount of $_______. Should the suitor ultimately fail to maintain the winning of a heart, evidenced by a reciprocal agreement, the wooee keeps the consideration. For continuity a fresh agreement may be entered into at the end of each period by way of renewal or reciprocation initiated by either or both (dual play) parties.
♥ The relationship will be for a period of _____ months / years, until _____________, and the consideration that is due and being paid from suitor to suitee, wooer to wooee is $________.
♥ In relation to communications/contacts the following will apply: ___________________ is/are to make contact a minimum of ________ times per week. Best time: _____________
♥ Relationship running costs. Dates etc. compose further costs during the relationship and for these the understanding is that__________________ or both (strike out as is necessary) is/are to pay in the ratio of _____% (suitor) /_____% (suitee).
♥ Any additional terms/conditions should be listed on the reverse side (hers in red on left side, his in blue on right side, say 3 - 20) with each to sign under the reverse side terms/conditions.
♥ Penalty due for breach of contract, misrepresentation, abuse or failure to perform will be equal to / double / triple / ___ times (choose one) the consideration paid.
♥ _________________________ agrees to having a relationship for the period requested and has received the consideration of $ ____________ on (date) _________________________
♥ Instructions: Make multiple copies of this blank form. Complete two copies and keep one each.
Her Covenant Fingerprint: ♥♥♥♥♥♥ His Covenant Fingerprint:
© and IP David G Murphy, Relationship and Law Therapist, FT1 course, 21.2.05, ph. 8214 8397, RA v 3
Priority / 10
Priority / 10
Terms are revisited with each renewal until perfection is reached.
To download your copy: copy the page and paste and resize to a Word document and print as one page. Leave back blank for each's respective terms in two columns: hers in red on left, his in blue on right (for same sex relationships both in red or both in blue) .
Now that you have your copy of the Relationship Agreement.
At the outset it would be fair to say that those reading this and contemplating a relationship agreement fall into two categories. Those not in a relationship and those in a relationship. The relationship agreement is ideally designed for those who were not in a relationship and are starting a relationship and can do so on the basis of the agreement. For them there is no problem as the RA is designed to be the basis of a relationship at its inception and should lead to no difficulties upon renewal or reciprocation and the relationship can evolve though a succession of RA's.
However there will be many who are already in a relationship that may have another basis or no basis and hence there may be some gear shifting and probably desirable attention to detail and accommodation on both sides required. If there was no basis for the relationship there should be few problems and a basis and agreement can be desirable and adaption relatively painless. If there is an alternative basis this can be accommodated or dovetailed in terms of the troth and the additional terms perhaps no matter how long and deeply established and I see no basis for retiscence in formalizing it in written terms even if deeply established (though it may be a challenge and take numerous attempts and revisions). There should be no problem reflecting the already existing basis in the additional terms if you wish to. The only forseeable problem could be joint assets which have been acquired during the union of the relationship so attention may need to be given here in terms of the troth and the terms in the light of the fact that RA's come up for renewal or reciprocation or the alternative. Joint possessions and having to decide what to do with them can be a very good reason for continual renewals or reciprocations if the union is tied up in or the sum of the possessions. Terms can be reviewed and perfected or altered at the first two of these events allowing even a preexisting relationship to adapt to an RA so as to further evolve and grow and not stagnate.
Now that you have your
copy of the Personal Relationship Agreement all that remains is to
put it in to action. If you are in a relationship you will have to
propose it to your partner and this is best done by having them
read through all the notes so print all the notes off for your
partner. Initially you will need to give them time to think about
it so give them copies of everything and then discuss how best to
detail the provided, and any extra, terms of the RA for
yourselves. If you are in a marriage consider how best to present
it to your spouse and how best to implement it and what, if any,
extra terms to add. If you are single and are seeking a
relationship and are dating then key to endless dating with no
major event is to "perelize" the dating process with a
perel agreement. An RA turns the dating into a relationship and is
the formal step that has been missing. Take the RA and the notes
on dates with you to let prospective partners know where you are
heading. It will make your dating very interesting. You could say
something like "This is not yet in vogue. It is still about
20 years ahead of its time but I wanna do it". A wooee will
most likely not enter into an RA with you on day one (it would be
fabulous if they did) but it breaks the ice and you can return to
it after some weeks or months when the foundation of your new
friend/relationship is stronger and when you are both ready for
some degree of agreed dedication and commitment. Presenting a
platform and structure for a relationship will speed up your
prospects of entering into a relationship with someone serious and
like minded. If they are not interested in you but are interested
in the Relationship Agreement concept give them the website
address so they can get their own copy, as you only have license
to reproduce three copies.
After you have each completed your copy of an RA send us a copy if you would like to be in the judging of the best RA of the month or year.
After you have entered into or renewed or reciprocated your Relationship Agreement with your partner please send a copy, not your originals which you both keep, with or without an accompanying letter, to me, David, at Relationship Agreements at 8/1 Curtin Place, Concord, 2137, NSW, Australia.
Optional Gift Payment
Your copy of the Relationship Agreement and the notes are free. In this way you can put it into action and experience the benefits in your relationship at no cost, apart from the bond which stays between the two of you. The bond can also be deposited with the an office of the Public Trustee together with a copy of the Relationship Agreement.
However we ask that after a period of your own choosing that if, and only if, you have found the benefits of the Relationship Agreement worthwhile you decide between yourselves, or make your own decision, to make a donation in an amount of your own choosing. It could be equal to the bond (it should not be the bond itself) or what you think it the experience has been worth. It could be paid upon renewal/s or reciprocation/s or whenever and can be made via paypal on the website or by posting a cheque or ringing. If you do so please include a copy of your completed relationship agreement, if you have not already sent one, and maybe a letter or note as to your experiences and any suggestions.
Achieving That Sought After Commitment In A Relationship - by David Murphy (c) 2006
A major concern in budding relationships is how does one ensure that the relationship will endure and that one will not be unceremoniously dumped or quietly moved aside.
a degree of commitment, the experience of intimacy is not as deep
and satisfying as it otherwise could be.
Agreement combines the elements of consideration, or a troth,
which makes it binding, and protects assets for the term of the
agreement and addresses poor performance and unfair practices
within the relationship.
Joint venture: Besides any extra terms and conditions on the back it might be a good idea to write down a joint venture purpose for the two of you together to give some direction to the union.
During the course of the first year or two both of you will have time to reassess and redefine the terms and conditions and values you may have included on the reverse side of the your Relationship Agreement.
your Relationship Commencement and Renewals and Reciprocations
FINDING THE ONE: COURSE NOTES
PREMISE AND PARTNER FINDING CARDS
There are 4,000,000 people in Sydney, 20,000,000 in Australia. If you are compatible with only 1 in a 1,000 then there are 4,000 in Sydney or 20,000 nationally who should be just right for you.
The way to find members of the opposite sex is by going to events, meeting online and through the papers. These are called being "on the beaten track" and by all means you can do these. You certainly should be coming to the events which are organized and on the website and many on the course have been doing just that. However when you meet someone who attends events or is on the net a relationship may not last as they may continue to go out and meet more people or know where to go and what to do to quickly meet more people should difficult times come in a relationship as often happens and so such relationships often may not last.
But there are the majority of available people who are "off the beaten track" who are not using these means and who are the best to find as they are not likely to quickly discover someone else in their travels on the net or at events and it is these we also wish to find. What are the means to do so?
Apart from going to events and being on the internet we focus on having a good Partner Finding card which we create on this course and this is our focus tonight.
One should always be prepared with a good partner finding card as you never know when one will be needed to make an effective introduction. You can be active and put out many of them or be passive and just have one ready and to give out when you see a person of interest. The more thought you put into your card and the more you have circulating the better, of course, will be your results. Recommended minimum number to make up to make inroads into the 800,000 is 200 - 1,000.
side one is a little about you, just enough points to fill the
card and to get a person to make that call to you. Side 1 should
certainly be more than just a name and number, you should disclose
some of your best points and your age. If you are not forthcoming
and interesting don't expect your cards to meet with much success.
It may be an idea to have a friend or another person on the course
to help you work out your description.
The cards can be done on Word or Excel. You will need to lay out a grid for 10 cards on an A4 size page on Word or Excel to type into of 55mm x 89mm. Type in your wording into the top left card rectangle and copy and paste into the others. Do 10 per sheet on card sheets you can get from Officeworks or Officeworks can print them off for you on cardpaper and you cut them up. You can even do them on plain paper, photocopying double sided and put or hand them out like that. However well thought out wording and attractive design is critical. For a better presentation you can visit office.microsoft.com (or search Google on keywords: "business card templates or design") to obtain card templates and clipart for doing cards printed on to plain white card stock. A well worded and well designed card can yield 10 to 20 times the results of a poorly worded and poorly designed card. On your card at at the bottom left of side one you could have the words "ft1 course". At the end of your description on side one you should have the words "Int. in RA" (for interested in a relationship agreement, this will lead on to the relationship agreement). On the bottom line of side two you should have the words small print in italics "If this is not for you please keep and pass on to a friend". Two of your cards with these three additions must be handed in as part of your completion of the course.
10 cards distributed should bring twice the results of 5 cards and
find someone who is twice as suitable.
Most desirably you should do your cards on your computer and printer so you can do as many as you wish. If you don't have a printer you can take the disk, once you have done your cards on it, to Officeworks or Kinko and they will print them off onto card stock, but you should cut them up as they charge a lot for cutting.
WAYS OF DISTRIBUTING THE CARDS
The only thing that stands between you and success in the distributing of your cards is fear, which creates a prison which keeps you single, and perhaps indolence. Overcome these two and the cards will do their work.
You can adopt a direct approach or an indirect approach. A direct approach has its advantages in that it can lead to interaction but is slower. An indirect approach allows you to get more cards into the hands of more people but has its disadvantages in that the people may not see you when they get the card.
If you are being pro-active with your cards then always be suitably dressed when giving out your cards. Set a target as to how many you are going to give out in a giving out session.
Give out 5 - 10 cards each to each of your girlfriends or mates to
give out to members of the opposite sex or to their friends to
locate people who they think would respond to your card. Tell them
there will be an appreciative reward for the person who finds the
right mate for you. You could also give them $20 to remind them to
give out the cards and not neglect them. In week 3 you will learn
how the showing of an RA can result in receipt of a consideration
to defray the cost of incentive payments made to friends to give
out the cards for you so you are not out of pocket.
give out a card directly to an interesting stranger try saying
"I'm sorry there is no one to introduce us but I'd like to
give you my card and get one of yours, if you have one. Let's swap
cards. If my card is not suitable for you please pass it on to a
friend, otherwise feel free to ring". Another opening line
could be "Excuse me, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'd
like to give you one of my cards and if you've got one, get one of
When you receive a phone call from someone who has seen your card, if they ask you on the phone "what is an RA" tell them "I'll show you when I see you". Don't discuss the RA on the phone. Leave it till you meet them and show them then, since they asked.
With many cards being given out and in circulation you should get many responses, although expect a response rate for a well worded and well designed card of about 5 - 10%. Not all the responses will come at once. Some people will carry the card around in their wallet or purse for weeks or months before they are ready or have the courage to nervously ring or remember to give it to a friend. Many should ring fairly promptly but make sure you have put out plenty of cards, don't expect too much from too few. With numerous responses you can afford to be selective and insist upon a completed RA but don't be so selective that the number of people of the 20,000,000 in Australia that you are satisfied with is 0.
FINDING THE ONE: COURSE NOTES
DATING DO'S AND DON'TS
Dating is interviewing for prospective partners for a relationship. If dating does not have direction and purpose and a desired outcome it is just making new friends or spinning your wheels. With your cards you can make each date a productive exercise.
To be attractive you have to dress nice and act nice. Dress well so that you give a good impression upon the first meeting. You have to be accommodating and not rigid, inflexible or dogmatic. Be prepared to meet the other person half way. When two people meet it is like two foreign worlds coming together so be diplomatic and polite and agreeable. Don't always set high standards for the other person to meet if you are not meeting those standards yourself. Don't set unrealistic expectations in the person you are seeking. The higher your expectations the more you may be disappointed if you are not the ultimate prize yourself.
Allow them to do the talking and be a good listener. Allow the other person to do most of the talking and show that you are happy to be a good listener but can converse when called upon to do so but lead back to questions to get them to disclose. Don't dominate the conversation by talking about what only you want to talk about. You are there to learn if that person is suitable, and participate, not entertain or convert. Show interest in what the other person is saying. Ask them directive questions and give directive answers. (Directive means that those questions and answers guide the conversation and lead it in the direction you want it to go like a rudder without monopolizing the conversation). Ask questions based upon what they have been saying and let them do most of the talking. Try to strike a balance where they do two thirds to three quarters of the conversation and you do a third to a quarter of the conversation. Certainly a nice person who is interested in you may seek to get you to do most of the talking but a purpose of the date is for you to gather information to determine if you have common interests. Certainly this is not to say that you should not be revealing during the date. Be happy to disclose secrets if you wish but not at length. Revealing your thoughts leads to intimacy and trust but don't use the date to pour out your problems as if to a therapist. Be revealing, if you wish, but get them to reveal more. If they don't open up to you then you should not feel you are obliged to open up to them.
Be agreeable and agree with what they are saying, tell them they are right and that they are intelligent and interesting. It is nice to find someone who agrees with you and who compliments you so present yourself as such a person. Don't interrogate or seek to convince or convert but interrelate and compliment.
Ask questions from the questions sheet, memorize some of the questions so you can use them to discover what the person is like. Be diplomatic and don't argue or try to prove a point, it really doesn't matter. You are not there to convert a stranger to your point of view. The best way to change someone is to change them for someone else so if they are just not right enough then move on.
Even if you don't care for the person practice your relating skills and dating skills and be agreeable and seek to build the person up. Even if you don't want that person as a relationship partner or friend be nice to them so they will think you are a very nice person and so you can give them 5 or so cards for them to pass out to people they know or meet that they may think suitable for you. If you are not interested so much in them you could start asking them about their friends, are they all attached, are they single, what do they do, where do they go etc. etc.
Search for common interests with a person you are interested in and start to entwine along the lines of your joint interests. Seek to find what you have in common. Delve into them and reveal your past experiences, aspirations, training, work, family and perhaps the good side of past relationships. Seek to find common ground for a joint purpose or joint venture and find things that they enjoy doing that you enjoy doing. It could be something like visiting a different park in Sydney each Saturday and Sunday or a plan to go on a holiday to a place you both want to go to or starting a networking business together so you can leave your jobs and be together. Starting a business or service together, with preferably no major outlay, is a good way of learning about the other person. It is important to be reliable to build trust and if you care for the person you will be reliable. If you say you are going to do something then do it.
A relationship requires that both parties be mutually supportive to each other, taking an interest in what is important to each other and assisting each other to achieve their desires and interests and goals which will mutually enrich the relationship. If you really are interested in or like/love a person you will want to help them succeed or be satisfied, be it in their work, business, hobbies, aspirations etc. Take an interest in finding out what the other person is trying to achieve, delve into their desires and support them with practical suggestions, actions, offers, and real assistance that they will appreciate and value you highly for. Make yourself more than just a catch but be useful and valuable to them.
The Endless Dance of Reciprocation
relationship involves reciprocation and this dance of
reciprocation can start even before the relationship formally
commences as in friendship. By reciprocation is meant you make a
move, e.g. an offer to find or get them something etc. and see if
it is reciprocated. You may tell them you believe in doing favours
for someone if you like them and, if they enjoy your attentions or
friendship, they will reciprocate by doing favours back and a
friendship is born and trust is built. If they do not soon start
to reciprocate within, say, three favours move on. A move might be
paying for their drink or making a phone call and ask them to make
the next call or giving them a gift or getting them some useful
information. Let them know what they can do for you to
Be the catch. Make yourself a catch and don't be doing all the chasing. 50% of men chase and 50% like or prefer to be chased and the ratio for women is that most like to be chased but 35 - 40% will do some chasing, but are much more subtle about it. Make yourself the catch by dress and manner and friendliness and if you like the other person let yourself be caught.
Men have shorter wicks than women. Men get interested more quickly and women take longer to get interested and aroused so be friends first and create a firm foundation upon which a relationship can be built.
It is important to meet in person as soon as possible and not carry on telephone, or phoney, and email relationships as such tend to evaporate upon meeting in person if the person is not to your fancy. Aim to meet a person found on the internet in person as soon as possible and so not waste time on phoney relationships. You could arrange to meet at an event or a coffee shop. You should arrange for the first date to meet in a public place such as an event or coffee shop or pub for drinks or coffee. Don't start out with a dinner for a first date.
On one of your dates have your date go through and fill out the questionnaire profile sheet (the sheet with 4 x 20 questions covering money, work, relationships and lifestyle). Photocopy off plenty of spares first and don't write on the original.
If you are attracted to the other person tell them you never make the first move physically, that way you don't get into any trouble and its not your fault if anything goes wrong and things fall apart but tell them they are most welcome to initiate anything if they wish and you will reciprocate.
If you are only really attracted to 5% of members of the opposite sex then probably only 5% of members of the opposite sex are really attracted to you. That means that for 1 in 20 members of the opposite sex to whom you are attracted there is probably a match and a probable relationship.
The overall aim of each meeting is to arrange the next meeting. Don't leave a date until you have the next date booked and decided what you are going to do and where you are going to go. Don't leave it to a later phone call late in the week to arrange the next date. It is nice to know that it has been organized and committed to and not left hanging. Use the final part of the date to discuss things you can do together and where you can go together and what you will do for your next date. Visibly take out your diary and enter the date of the next date in your diary. Confirm a day before the next date.
Don't bring up past baggage or talk about your past relationships (if you must then keep it brief) but try to get them to talk about their past relationships and why they ended. Past performance is the best guide to future performance. If they talk disparagingly about their past relationships it can be a guide that one day they will talk to others about you in the same way. If you have had bad experiences in past relationships don't rehash them in the conversation. Put those experiences behind you and head off in a new direction in your dates. Otherwise your date may think what happened before reveals much about you and may not want to see you again, nor give out your cards.
If you fancy them don't talk to them about having dated on the internet or having attended singles events if they do not do so, or even if they do do so. Act as if such events or the internet dating do not exist. They may think if you discuss them or attend them you are transient and will not commit. They may also start to become interested in the events and wish to visit them rather than spend time on weekends with you.
However If you don't fancy them then talk about other singles events and about internet dating experiences and the ft1 course and recommend they try going to the events to where people can be met or that they do the course if they want to meet someone. Give them 5 or so of your cards for them to pass on to their suitable friends.
Question for next week: When does dating become a relationship?
FINDING THE ONE: COURSE NOTES
THE RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT
When does dating become a relationship?
If you were to buy or rent a property, secure a job or buy a business, go for a holiday or make any large purchase you would expect there to be some paperwork evidencing an agreement. Just as we now have rental lease agreements and workplace agreements we now have relationship agreements which define and give security and commitment and insurance to a relationship.
A serious relationship will have commitment and will exhibit certain elements which give the relationship integrity. These elements which make a relationship serious are the contractual elements of offer, acceptance, capacity and consideration. Without these a relationship has no commitment and without these commitment cannot be defined.
A contractual relationship, such as the Relationship Agreement, will have offer by the suitor to the suitee, acceptance by the suitee, capacity in that both people have status and standing, and consideration, which is an item of value which passes from suitor to suitee (it does not mean simply taking into account the other person's feelings, it has a legal meaning being a item of value). In the parallel to the relationship agreement (which is the modern day version of betrothal) which is engagement, the item of value which passes from promisor to promisee is a ring and this is an item of value that validates the undertaking of engagement. In a contractual relationship the item of value is a troth or bond, or option fee, which is an offered and acceptable amount of money, which passes from wooer to wooee, and the agreement is for a set term of weeks or months or years.
A consideration, which is an item of value, and agreement as to the term makes the relationship binding and serious. This consideration is called the troth and is a pledge of fidelity and an honour payment. At the end of the term of the relationship, should the suitor ultimately fail to retain a heart, evidenced by a reciprocation by the suitee becoming the suitor and paying the troth back to the suitor in a renewal of the relationship, the suitee retains the money and the relationship concludes and is not renewed, although the suitor could tender another consideration to the suitee for a fresh relationship term. The term of the relationship is also negotiated at the outset and is typically a period of a few weeks or months. A prudent and practical course of action for those couples in an enduring relationship is to renew the agreement every 3 or 6 or 12 months and reciprocate the bond back and forth with each renewal.
If the parties are serious and have nothing to hide they will have no reason to not commit to the terms of the relationship agreement. Generally relationships as we know them are at best voidable contracts, if contracts at all, as there is no item of consideration and no agreed term and they are not binding, and hence not committed, and dumping with impunity can take place. Relationships where there is no consideration and no agreement as to initial term period and which run on love and infatuation and hope are risky ventures and one party can suffer being dumped without explanation and there is no comeback or recourse. Dumping is not an easy option with a relationship agreement and attracts a penalty and so the parties are committed to the term of the relationship. During the term of the relationship agreement the two parties can discuss a premature termination if they wish but it is generally up to the suitor and suitee to consent to an early termination. The suitee cannot prematurely terminate the relationship without consent or the penalty may be activated.
When the parties enter into a relationship agreement they commit and are serious and the agreement is enforceable and is a source of security much like a normal contractual arrangement as the elements of offer, acceptance, capacity and consideration are present in the agreement.
The penalty for breach, abuse etc. gives leverage to the party who is doing the right thing in a contractual relationship, should the other party do the wrong thing. The penalties do not favour either suitor or suitee but rather the party who is abiding by the agreement.
It is submitted that by entering into a common law contractual relationship agreement the party that receives the benefit of the consideration should not be entitled to receive anything more of the suitor than that which is contemplated by the contract for the duration of the contract/s. The party that has received the consideration cannot maintain other claims upon the payer than that which is allowed within the terms of the agreement unless they arise from malfeasance.
Suitability of a Relationship Agreement
A Relationship Agreement is not a pre-nuptual in contemplation of a union under the Marriage Act 1961. A Relationship Agreement is the Common Law alternative to engagement and marriage. Both marriage or cohabitation for a lengthy period of time in the absence of a relationship agreement puts assets at risk. To live together for a lengthy period of time without a relationship agreement is unwise. Under a Relationship Agreement which is current the total liability is that which is contemplated and provided for under the agreement. A Relationship Agreement is relationship insurance.
A Relationship Agreement is attractive to the person who, perhaps due to past experiences, cannot motivate themselves to find a relationship due to the uncertain nature of today's relationships, being, often as not, without certainty or commitment. The person using an RA is seeking a relationship which is more certain and secure and not an endeavour of risk. They are, in effect, seeking to insure the relationship against uncertainty and premature termination. An RA helps to ensure that one does not suffer being prematurely dumped and suffer anguish and a broken heart which none of us wants.
Also there are many people who lack the knowledge or the personal skills or personal commitment to start or conduct a relationship and lacking such knowledge, skills or personal commitment many potential relationships go off the rails and fail. A Relationship Agreement gives some structure to early relationships and gives certainty, direction and guidelines.
Reliability is a good guide as to whether there is serious commitment. The RA helps ensure that there will be reliability. The two parties would not enter into the RA if they did not intend to commit and be reliable for the period of time committed to. The RA turns a fumbling or cautious relationship into a committed relationship which is strong and a source of comfort and strength. Two people who feel they are committed will have no qualms in documenting their commitment in an RA.
Many people find themselves dating on the internet people who will not commit or not commit for long or for good due to the endless choice of new dates available to them and the belief that they can always find someone better if things get difficult or unexciting. An RA helps in grounding these elusive wandering butterflies who are constantly searching the internet for fresh and better dates. Such is the risk from finding your dates from the internet, as many of these people are becoming risky long term relationship material due to being spoiled.
A Relationship Agreement is an essential tool for the person who fears that any person they get close to or get involved with is going to run away, be unreliable or disappear on them if they try to get close and emotionally rely upon them and form a relationship which they fear may evaporate or unduly terminate abruptly. A Relationship Agreement, in the terms, outlines the responsibilities of either or both parties to initiate communication a minimum number of times per week and on these calls trysts and assignations should be planned. This is because relationships can die if people do not keep in contact, as they should, so agreed contact is part of the agreement.
Those reticent about entering into a Relationship Agreement with someone they like are either indicating that they are not prepared to significantly commit to the other person who likes them or are sending a message to the other person that it is OK for either of them to keep looking and they wish to reserve that option.
The RA allows people to discuss issues central to the running of relationship like how long, who pays for dates, who keeps in touch, things which should be discussed early on in a budding relationship and a mutual agreement can be reached and committed to. An RA allows a couple to experience a deeper level of commitment, to have a special experience between them which can form a sound foundation for an ongoing relationship or later marriage, even when the RA has expired should the relationship continue in the absence of an RA.
Men are perhaps more interested in having an RA than women but women should be interested in entering into an RA because men are comfortable in committing when done through by way of a Relationship Agreement with Consideration. So for women it is an ideal way to get a man to commit. If women want to engage a man in a relationship it can be done with an RA.
There may also be those who like the contractual relationship agreement format and are happy to go from contractual relationship to contractual relationship and never be out of a relationship for long. These people, who may in time be termed RA groupies or grapies, would always like to be in a secure relationship for a guaranteed time as they are continue to search for their perfect partner. They would move from agreed relationship to agreed relationship every few months, fitting in a number of relationships per year as part of the search for the ultimate One.
It is envisaged that a Relationship Agreement and a marriage can co-exist. Either the first arrangement would take precedence or the marriage that supplants the RA would take precedence. It would depend upon an examination of the vows and the relevant Acts to determine. Relationship agreements by people contemplating marriage are recognized in the Family Law Act 1975 (sections 71A and 90B) where they are termed financial agreements as opposed to pre nuptials.
How to Introduce the Relationship Agreement.
When you have met someone who really takes your fancy, to transport the friendship to a serious relationship or trial relationship, the would be suitor should entreat the other party, whom they like, to enter into a relationship agreement and to consent, participate and commit, though not necessarily forever or for an indeterminate period of time, but for an agreed period of time and then either conclude, renew or drift on without the relationship agreement.
On the first or second date if you fancy the person and you have determined that they seem accommodating and may find you acceptable and have no qualms about further meetings you could say either "I'd be prepared to entertain a relationship proposition from you" or "Let me tell where I am heading". Bring out two copies of the agreement form and put one down in front of them for them to read and perhaps, if you are game, lay down your preferred amount in cash on the table and say "Let me show you that my intentions are honourable. As you can imagine the reason why I am dating is that I am looking for a relationship with someone who is serious too and to prove my intentions and honour I would like to ask you whether you would be agreeable to entering into a relationship agreement with me for a few months. I am offering you a consideration bond to enter into a relationship agreement with me for an agreed period. Read it through first." They will have never seen anything like the RA you have laid down in front of them and will be surprised and intrigued.
Another way you could lead into the RA is to show them again your card upon which you have the words, "Int. in RA". They may ask, or you may have to guide them, "What is an RA" to which you answer "I am interested in having a relationship agreement for a set period of time to see how things go. I'll show you one". They may have seen these words on your card when they first rang you and asked "What is an RA?" to which your answer should have been "I'll show you when we meet".
Other lines you could use are "Would you enter into one of these with me?" or "Well again, as I said before when I gave you the card, nothing ventured, nothing gained. What objections would have to entering into a Relationship Agreement with me for a few months to see how things go with a honourable consideration from me to you?" By the laying down of an amount is in cash the other person will be impressed and see you as an honourable person willing to pay them a consideration or bond for a relationship. The response should be very interesting even if you just do a few for fun and practice to make your dates interesting.
Don't expect the person shown is going to sign up for a relationship straight away, though they might. Showing the RA at the beginning sets the tone and is a starting point and gives some direction in the dating and forms a basis for discussion and shows whether that person is prepared to enter into a relationship with you. They may want to think about it and come back to you later. The RA forms a basis for negotiation and agreement and can have an influence without ever being entered into. You will generally not secure an completed RA on the first date but it can set the scene for one later on when you come back to it. If the person never wants to enter into a relationship agreement with you it is an indication that they are not prepared to commit to you for any length of time.
If your prospective wooee does not wish to take to the water straight away and accept your offer of the consideration you could tell them that if they wish to take time to think about it then you might reduce the amount so that it will be less if they are not so sure about you. Delay and hesitancy show that they may not really be prepared to take you seriously or are not serious about relationships themselves. If they delay, reduce the consideration as they continue to procrastinate and time goes by. This should help them make up their mind to participate and commit. In time if they want you it could be they who is paying you or delay could lead to a dual play.
A person, a prospective suitor or suitee, can also make it known that she/he is available for a relationship on the terms of the RA, if the other person wishes to pay a suitable consideration. Ladies would probably have more success with this proposition and will generally find that a prospective male suitor or suitee will find in the RA something that is attractive as men seem to find something intriguing about RA's.
It is possible that the other person will want to consider and ask if they can have a copy of the RA. It was a condition of the course that the RA and the course notes are not to be given away free, even to interested parties. The course notes were not to be divulged or given away or sold at all, but the RA is an item of value and if they want a copy of the RA they have to come up with a consideration which they pay you which you can either take off the cost of the course or take into account should a consideration for a relationship be forthcoming at a later meeting. Chances are you may never see the person again so they should not get an RA free as they are of value. The preferred cost they should pay you is $20 - $50 for a copy. Hence if you have shown the RA on dates which lead nowhere and the date wants a copy of the RA, and some will be prepared to pay to get a copy of it, particularly if you have laid down your offer of a troth first, you can find that you are being paid for your time to have dates which become profitable dates, much like having a second job, and very soon the cost of the course to you will have been recovered.
Some of the people you see may later wish to go on to do the course to help them find someone and this should be encouraged as more people will be needed for future courses and they also will have the opportunity when dating to reduce their course outlay cost to $0 and even be paid to date.
standard offer or play is where the suitor, the approaching party,
tenders a consideration or troth to the suitee of so much for so
long. A typical example of amount and time is $300 - $600 for 3
months but you can vary this. For a couple contemplating
cohabitation and seeking to protect assets the period may be for 1
- 10 years with a consideration of $1,000 to $10,000 or so.
Another play is where both parties pay a consideration, either of equal or differing amounts to each other. Each should bring their own money separately to the agreement and exchange. Four copies of the agreement form are filled out, one for each party for the suitor's consideration to the suitee and one for each party for the suitee's consideration to the suitor. Both agreements exist alongside each other and are both binding in their own right.
Another move, that has been suggested, is that the suitor pays the consideration to the suitee with the understanding that if they are still together at the end of the term the money goes towards paying for a holiday away together.
Ideally at the end of the term the suitee will want to continue the relationship and will do a reciprocation and will pay the consideration back to the suitor and a renewed relationship agreement will be entered into with the suitee, now suitor, paying the consideration or a different amount to the other party. If not the relationship ends amicably or drifts on without written commitment and security and no one gets unceremoniously dumped.
It is a good idea for a third party to hold on to the money/s until the end of the term. The Public Trustee who has offices in various suburbs can fulfil this role. The bond moneys can be deposited with the Public Trustee with a photocopy of the RA, or a photocopy of each RA if it is reciprocated agreement with two separate bond moneys.
When is physical intimacy permissible or advisable?
There are two schools of thought upon the matter of when physical intimacy becomes permissible.
The first school of thought says no sex without commitment. That means no physical intimacy prior to a relationship agreement being competed between the two parties. However after that, commitment means commitment and that means commitment by both parties and as a relationship involves a physical dimension physical intimacy gets the green light, from the instant of commitment to the relationship.
The second school of thought says that you should try before you buy and be not unequally yoked. If you don't want to find yourself in a relationship agreement commitment with a person you may be unequal to sexually or who is not satisfying you should address that issue prior to commitment. That is, there should be a test run or two first with the expressed expectation that if performance is up to standard commitment will be sought after in the form of a completed relationship agreement. You don't want to find you are in relationship, which has a physical dimension, if the person is not able to satisfy (although failure to perform is a grounds for rescindment of the agreement).
A Relationship Agreement does not disallow a party having an outside relationship or affair but under the terms the party having an undisclosed and unconsented to second relationship or affair would most likely be guilty of the tort of misrepresentation should they be questioned and found out and also could fail to perform in all respects (e.g. become unreliable) and hence on two counts be liable for double the agreed measure of penalty/damages.
Would be RA
Moderators Invited to Nominate Themselves Worldwide
In time as the concept of the Personal Relationship (Perel) Agreement takes hold and more people enter into them there will be an opportunity for would be moderators to nominate themselves (do so in the forum section) to organize counselling and get-togethers for individuals and couples interested in meeting others in order to find someone with whom to enter into an RA with or to meet other couples who have an RA as the basis for their relationship.
There will be opportunity in many parts of the world and many major cities for moderators who hold office for a year at a time.
Possibly parties could be held or conventions picnics, dinners, monthly meetings etc.
Would-be moderators should post entries on your local internet noticeboards with the by lines "perel agreements" or "ra agreements".
Moderators should also
consider becoming affiliates if they have a website to refer from,
although referrals are possible without having a
Legal and Permissions
The elements of a
relationship agreement (IP) that distinguish it as unique
intellectual property is as listed elsewhere on this website.
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TOWARDS BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS
GET YOUR FREE COPY OF A RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT HERE !
Dating/Relationship/Partnership Agreement and Notes are now free to copy off and put into action in your current or next relationship. It will give structure and direction to any personal relationship between couples which is serious or starting out. Try it out in your relationship or as a basis for a new relationship. Only by really putting it into action will you be able to experience its benefits. Make it your Valentine's Day present for your relationship.***
Simply copy off the pages and be the FIRST amongst your friends to have a copy of the RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT ! It will spark some most interesting conversation ! Or you could tell them to visit relationshipagreement.net and study the pages and implement it and report back.
These pages involve some fairly new and interesting and advanced concepts designed to improve personal relationships between couples and take them to a higher level. It is strongly suggested you take the time to study all the pages and agreement as you will benefit greatly. You may care to even print off these pages so you can study them in detail and show them to (a) friend/s to discuss. If you do not have time now to study all the pages then at least visit them and save them on your computer so you can look at them, or print them off, later when you have time. As of 1.1.08 the Relationship Agreement is now free to copy and all detail pages are now free access. If printing off the pages, the detail pages best to print to get the full package off are those with an asterisk (*) ).
*** The Relationship Agreement and detailed information notes are the perfect New Year's Resolution/Valentine's Day gift for couples who want a richer relationship/partnership and for anyone seeking a strong foundation for a personal relationship/partnership. * *
The Relationship Agreement was created because of the need to provide a vehicle for relationships alternative to, ancilliary to and superior to marriage and the average generally undefined non directional personal intimate relationship between two people. It is the vehicle for people who are reasonably serious about their relationship/s and each other and want a relationship which is going somewhere and who are not afraid of a degree of commitment, short, medium or long term.
In the detail pages, you will find the solution to many relationship problems and a means for the enhancement of most, if not all, serious personal intimate relationships including marriage.
Fasten your seatbelts and put on your thinking caps as you begin reading.
Read and be ready to take action for a most interesting journey in your relationship.
The Relationship Agreement will be found attractive by sincere married couples seeking some guidance, direction, framework and spice for their marriage and a deeper level of commitment if that is what they want.
The Relationship Agreement will be found attractive and highly relevant by couples who are fairly serious about their relationship and who are seeking some guidance, structure, direction, definition, purpose and a measure of commitment for their relationship.
The Relationship Agreement will be found very useful by those individuals who are dating or are planning to date as it provides them with a plan and a system for an anticipated relationship and provides them in time with something tangible to offer to a keen prospective partner in the joint endeavour and developing journey which is a relationship so that the relationship will be more mutually respected, defined, beneficial and satisfying. Showing a copy of the RA and some of the notes (underline or highlight interesting parts) will certainly make your dating more interesting !
There is nothing so powerful as an idea whose time has come.
You are about to encounter a revolution in relationships which is long overdue and which may well challenge some fundamental expectations relating to marriage and relationships with which you were brought up and which you have never seriously questioned due to the abeyance of a third long dormant and now updated third alternative.
Once you have your copy of the RA and notes you will be able to put it to any special person in whom you are interested "Would you like to do one of these with me?" or "I would like to sign you up for a relationship for say 2 - 3 months to see how things work out. When is a good time to get together to discuss terms? - and then we can celebrate!"
Before 2008 access to the Relationship Agreement and detail pages had to be purchased. In 2008 we decided to make it free and let people try it out and experience its benefits first. Now instead of selling we just ask that if your find it to be beneficial then later down the track you make a joint decision and work out what it has been worth and make a gift payment so that we can continue our work. There is no obligation for this payment and it should purely be measured by the degree of benefit you have obtained. It can be made once or at each renewal or reciprocation. It can be equal to the troth or greater or less, it is purely up to you if it has proven worthwhile to determine what it has been worth.